Church Tongue

When my fiancé and I decided that we wanted to get married in a church, we failed to think about the minor details. I don’t mean minor details about the ceremony, I mean details such as, HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO KISS IN THE CHURCH! Being honest we never even thought about it until we sat down to watch The Wedding Singer a few weeks ago.

There is a part in the film where the characters debate how a couple is supposed to kiss in the church, and whether or not they should shift the face of each other, give a quick peck on the lips or whether you would try find some sort of in-between kiss.  It was at this moment in the movie that my fiancé and I looked at each other in horror. Of all the things we had to worry about we forgot to worry about this. This of course led to a moment of panic. As Catholics there is always that embedded fear of being any way inappropriate in the church. I mean, our vision of having a Catholic wedding is that we should probably pretend that we have not so much as thought about kissing. I know this vision is outdated, especially for my generation, but it is hard not to revert to this stereotype when there is a celibate man standing in front of you. But how do we kiss and keep the religious dignity, but not look like two corpses that were placed beside each other and accidentally rubbed off each other. The only logical thing to do was to practice.

Firstly, we had to decide whether or not there should be tongue. If there was would we get stage fright and end up with us looking like twelve-year olds at a disco? Or is it expected, so that at least a few of our college friends can swit swoo at us.  The next option to go for was the civilised peck on the lips. Now this, in theory, seemed perfect: until we practised. So you know when you over think something and it ends up not working? That is exactly what happened.  Bumping heads trying to kiss was painful and weird I am pretty sure if we did this on the day we would make everyone at the wedding wonder how we have gotten to the stage of marriage. Our next few attempts were not better.  All I have to say on them is that teeth are not for kissing with. Our final attempt was the worst though.  It sounded like Mmmawck! This one would have been great for the audience as sound effects are really helpful for those at the back of the church who have a blocked view. Not so good for us though.

We ended up getting pretty pissed off with ourselves. WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO THIS! But I think the pressure of the whole thing got to us. I think analysing how it is supposed to be is what the trouble was.  Funny and all as it was it made me think about the pressure people put on themselves to look the part on the day of the wedding. Not in terms of the clothes and decorations but in terms of appearing as the perfect romantic couple on the day of your wedding.   It is the one day that your relationship gets scrutinised by all of your loved ones. Or rather it is the one day that your relationship gets openly scrutinised.  But maybe, it shouldn’t really matter. If you have gotten to the point of marriage then presumably you shouldn’t have to justify it and try to make it look like something out of an early noughties rom-com.

My fiancé and I decided that instead of worrying about how it looks when we kiss in the church on the day of our wedding, we would just shift the face off each other.

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