Relationship goals

When you hear the term relationship goals you think of a couple that is really adorable and does cute things together all the time. You know, like those pictures and posts on Tumblr about holding hands for hours. Well, these are very unrealistic relationship goals. Why because real relationships involve a much higher level of intimacy, like what you have with that friend that always holds your hair back when you’re sick, but with a little bit more nakedness. My husband is my best friend. He is the first person I call when anything good or bad happens, and he is definitely the first person I ring when there is a bit of juicy gossip to share. I share everything with him including my food. That’s a pretty strong commitment as I refuse to share food with anyone. I even share dessert with him and that is against my moral code. So many people have told us that we are such a wonderful and cute couple and we obviously lap this up, let it completely go to our heads and think that we are the most amazing couple in the world. I mean we have lasted and Brangelina didn’t so we are clearly a far superior couple. We share the typical couple pictures on Instagram and we even got Beauty and the Beast matching couple tattoos. We are relationship goals. We are super close, in fact, we are too close. That is the problem with our relationship. We have gone past the point of no return with our intimacy. I don’t mean the sexy times, I mean…the toilet times.

About 18 months ago my darling husband – finance at the time, developed the interesting habit of sending everyone poo-snaps: Snapchat pictures of his daily number twos. People would be checking their Snapchat while eating their breakfast and boom, plop there you go poop.  Others admittedly thought it was hilarious. Personally I felt it was just too much for me. I mean I love the guy but seeing what comes out of him every day is not what I would call romantic. Unless you are into that in which case more power to you. But this was not the only intimate toilet relationship that we had, oh no, in fact this was just the latest in a long line of us taking our intimacy to a very strange place. Sometimes, ok a lot of times, when I would ring him to tell him something or to just have a quick catch up, he would be on the toilet. I would chat away for the first while until I noticed the echo or the sound of him talking on an in-breath as he squeezed a poop out.  Horrified, I would complain, but it never made a difference. It still happens on a regular basis. He also just walks in on me while I am in the loo. Just this morning he opened the door of the downstairs toilet, which is under the stairs and has extremely limited space, while I was sitting on the loo and asked me if I was pooing. When I said no, he proceeded to just walk in and brush his teeth. I couldn’t even reach for the toilet roll because he took up all the rest of the very small space. I just sat there on the toilet waiting for him to finish.

You see this is the kind of unglamorous stuff about relationships we don’t hear about. But I am not without fault. I have my own disgusting habits. I am mildly obsessed with popping spots and blackheads, specifically my husband’s spots and blackheads. There is something quite therapeutic about the whole thing. I have tried not to do it as much and I now ask if I am allowed to squeeze the ugly spot on his face instead of bounding at him from across the room when I get a glimpse of one. I have even tried just watching spot popping online to see if that gets it out of my system. It hasn’t. It has only encouraged me and I even bought proper blackhead extractors so that I could be like Dr Pimple Popper. I watch her videos a lot. I have often been sitting beside my husband for hours watching them until my eyes get sore and he insists it’s time to turn them off.

I still maintain his habits are worse, picking his belly button, walking around with his trousers down so you can see his hairy bum. I mean I love his bum but I don’t think it is necessary for I or anyone else to see it, especially knowing what has come out of it.  You see being in a relationship is not all sexy and glamorous, like we are led to believe. There are parts of it that are just gross. But you have to accept these things about each other and yourselves in order to have the good times.  They also make you appreciate the little things, like the times without the disgusting spots and poo pictures. Now I am not advocating that there be Tumblr posts with a girl on a toilet and her fella brushing his teeth, with a tagline ‘relationship goals’. But I do think we should all start being more realistic about what relationships really entail.

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