Today in adult struggling I am trying to get back onto my work clock because tomorrow I will need to be up to catch a train in the morning and not sleep in until 2 in the afternoon, which of course has been happening because it’s Christmas, the time of year when all sense of time is completely lost and then boom, you enter into a new year. As I wrote that sentence I realised how much crazier it sounds and how it could maybe be the storyline for a fascinating sci-fi movie. Basically my extremely long-winded point is I need to get up early tomorrow so despite going to bed at an ungodly hour this morning I woke up at 7 am. I didn’t actually get up because as all the people out there who were up earlier enough to know, it was about -1 this morning and I was in my fuck exposing myself to those type of arctic conditions unnecessarily.

I stayed in bed and fought with myself to try to prevent a return to slumber. Why? Because you see people, as I get older I have lost my ability to do the whole late night – early morning thing. I was never very good at it anyway but my tolerance for it has gone way down in m mid twenties. I need about eight to nine hours sleep each night or I become some sort of deranged maniac who can’t cope with the world who cries or throws a tamtrum, I basically turn into a two year old. There are times when I am so tired, even if I just get an hour or two less sleep than normal, that the smallest thing will set me off. From having to put my washing on (something that brings me close to tears even on my good days) to having to have a shower, my poor exhausted body and mind do not respond well to the harsh elemenst such as these when tired.

I just really need my sleep in order to function well as human, that implies that with sleep I function well, so I actually mean that I need into to pretend to function well. I mean pretending to be a capable person is draining. Anyway if I sleep in, I don’t sleep at night, if I don’t sleep at night it means that the balance in my world will be off and the next morning everything will go wrong. I will be so incapable of operating basic tasks that I will forget something basic like brushing my hair or teeth and this will result in me being paranoid for the rest of the day, which in turn will distract me from my work. I will be so concerned with trying to hide the result of my tiredness that my work will be sloppy and I will not be able to keep up with the conversation. It’s a vicious cycle that can only be prevents by me going to sleep. I’m also really paticular about my sleep routine. I can’t just sleep anywhere. I don’t sleep on trains or planes, very rarely nap in cars. I need a lot of pre conditions in order to sleep well.

I can’t be too hot or cold. No lights can be anywhere, even the light of a phone. TV and music are a big no no. Noise is also  unacceptable. Even if my husband breaths too heavily it is too noisey for me to sleep. I have to have my feet covered by the blanket to prevent a scary creature dragging me to hell in the middle of the night. I have to wear socks in case my feet get cold. I need two pillows, no more and no less. If I go away anywhere, once I have the bed, pillows and lack of light and sound I am grand and will sleep very well. Anything less than that and we are talking major meltdown potential. I will most likely have a melt down today, it will probably be in relation to somethign stupid but I am prepared for it.

The problem is right now, I am bordering on the a zombie-like state where I sort of wonder around with my mouth half-open and my eyes glazed open, trying to keep myself awake. So far I have walked to two supermarkets and bought a lot of things that I don’t need just so I don’t succumb to sleep. I have also drunk two litres of water and am holding in my pee because I figure that I am less likely to be able to fall asleep with a full bladder than with an empty one. In fairness I think the latter plan is pretty good, I mean we have all been in the situation where we needed to pee right before falling asleep. I reckon if I keep myself in that state I will be able to resist a detrimental nap. Or I wet myself. One or the other, we will have to wait and see. I’m basically only writing this post because I also thought it would be a good way to keep me awake. It is working so far but I am really coming out with a lot of shite so I apologise.

Most normal people would have a coffee to keep them awake, but I will have you know that despite my inability to be a good adult on a mental and spiritual level, my body is fully fledged grown up human, meaning that if I have coffee or too many caffeinated drinks of any kind at this moment, I will not sleep tonight. That’s right. I am one of those people. I honestly can’t have caffeine after mid-day unless I am going to partake in a lot of exercise before bed and I assure that will not be happening today. As you can see my struggle is real. I am forced to make myself stay awake for the rest of the day in order to sleep tonight. I might have to work on that sci-fi movie, that would keep me awake.

Wish me luck!

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