My pets

I, like so many people, am a complete pet parent. I talk to them like they are babies, I call myself mammy and my husband daddy around them, I worry about them, and if I go anywhere without them I think about them constantly. But they are ridiculous, they do ridiculous things and despite being so clever in so many ways they do some fucking weird and stupid things. I have two dogs and a step-lizard. My husband has had this lizard, a Bearded Dragon, for years so I am only his/her step mother (we refer to it as him but about six months ago we checked and it turns out he is a she but why break the habit).  Lenny, the lizard, is pretty old. We are not entirely sure when my husband got him but we know that he is old as fuck. Anyway, this obviously makes him very placid. He is super chilled out most of the time. He barely moves, just sits there, lets his food come to him and generally doesn’t do much.


Except sometimes he does this mildly creepy thing where he presses his belly up against the glass door of his tank and sits there for hours on end without moving.  Or sometimes he stays so still that we think he is dead. I don’t mean just lying there all day like a normal lizard but I mean lies still for DAYS.  He also trashes his tank like an old-school rocker trying to reclaim his youth by trashing his hotel room. He only does this if we have cleaned out the tank though, which is the strange thing about it. I don’t understand whether he does it accidently because he is so excited that it is so clean or if he hates having it cleaned so chooses to mess it all up. Whatever the reasons for his strange little outbursts it means that cleaning him up is a big job and I tend not to get involved because for those of you that don’t know lizard poop stinks. So does dog shit, of which my garden is rife with. I have two little pups, Pippin and a very new addition, Bowie. Pippin is half Yorkshire terrier and half Pug and is as cute as that sounds. He likes to lick the back door, well I don’t know if he is purposely licking it or it is just because his tongue is out constantly and rubs off it. You see due to his breeding he has an overbite and a large tongue that sticks out constantly. He looks like he is sticking his tongue at you. He likes to sit outside staring in at you with his tongue out…bit creepy.

He also likes to hide his food. He hides most of his food in the grass for later but then, judging by the manic way he digs around the garden, he forgets where he puts them or Bowie steals them. Bowie was brought home to me about a month ago to cheer me up because I was feeling down because of my broken arm. He is Dashhound terrier cross and he sorta looks like the slinky dog from Toy Story.  He is basically a sausage dog and has teeny tiny legs that you think will just collapse under the weight of him. He is a puppy and does lots of bold puppy things. But the boldest thing he has done is taught Pippin to howl. Pippin never howled, he yelped, he is a yelpy type of dog but since Bowie has arrive he has learned how to howl, so now they both sit on the garden chairs, across from each other practicing for the day. It is like watching the contestants on X-Factor practice before their audition.  They like to drag dirt and rocks into their beds, swing out of the loose string from the washing line and run up and down the garden for about an hour – just for the hell of it.

Now as weird and strange as they are, I love my little munchkins. They give me endless snuggles in between their weird little habits. Are everyone else’s pets as weird as mine? I hope so because otherwise your pets would be super boring.

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